Jack White visited the OU campus for a concert recently and the publication of his rider seems to have caused quite a stir within the community. I get it, riders are riders and they come in all absurd shapes and sizes. (Because it is our job as normal everyday citizens to serve those more famous and wealthy than ourselves in exchange for them to grace us with their other-worldy presence.)
I read the published rider and I, TOO, AM ENRAGED.
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. DO YOU EVEN GUAC? Your recipe is so mediocre. It's the Nickelback of guacs. Have you no respect for the craft?
Fear not, Jack. Like you (I assume), guac is one of my main food groups. I fancy myself a connoisseur of sorts. Out of sympathy and respect for you, I can't stand by and let you eat this guac anymore. I've come up with five ways for you to jazz up your guac experience! (No bananas, I promise.) (No more banana jokes, I promise.)
I read the published rider and I, TOO, AM ENRAGED.
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. DO YOU EVEN GUAC? Your recipe is so mediocre. It's the Nickelback of guacs. Have you no respect for the craft?
Fear not, Jack. Like you (I assume), guac is one of my main food groups. I fancy myself a connoisseur of sorts. Out of sympathy and respect for you, I can't stand by and let you eat this guac anymore. I've come up with five ways for you to jazz up your guac experience! (No bananas, I promise.) (No more banana jokes, I promise.)
1. Garlic!
Garlic makes literally everything better. And your breath will smell so bad no will even come close enough to take a photo of you, a public figure, in a public place.
2. Habanero Peppers!
Your recipe calls for Serrano peppers. Really? Serrano peppers? A MEDIUM spice level? K. I thought you were hardcore but I guess I was wrong.
Use Habanero instead if you're 1. not a lil bitch, 2. you want your guac to be as heated as the comments section of a college newspaper article, or 3. you want to blow steam out of your mouth (apparently you enjoy smoking. IDK, I tried).
Use Habanero instead if you're 1. not a lil bitch, 2. you want your guac to be as heated as the comments section of a college newspaper article, or 3. you want to blow steam out of your mouth (apparently you enjoy smoking. IDK, I tried).
3. Feta!
Feta is a great sodium component to give your guac a new, exciting flavor. Add feta or other cheeses if you like your guac salty like the tears of young aspiring journalists being bullied by a rockstar and their own peers for trying to put out a decent student newspaper. Salty like the tears of a rockstar who didn't get his way.
4. POMEGRANATE and TEQUILA!
WARNING ADULTS ONLY LOL...
Add tequila and fresh poms for a refreshing summertime treat.
I've got no jokes for this one, it just looks good, tbh.
Add tequila and fresh poms for a refreshing summertime treat.
I've got no jokes for this one, it just looks good, tbh.
5. A Better Sense of Humor
I mean, really? You made this a big deal yourself. For intense flavor, add a pinch of perspective and a dash of checked privilege.
AND REMEMBER: Just because you CAN eat bad guac, that doesn't make it right.
AND REMEMBER: Just because you CAN eat bad guac, that doesn't make it right.